Hard, yet Hopeful Days

This post is not meant to be a downer- just honest, I guess. Each person's life is full of ups and downs and even as Christians we are not promised that everything will go our way (even though it can be a trap to equate God's love with a smooth, happy life.) 2009 was a really tough year for Trace and I, but I am starting to see some growth that has come as a result of the difficulty.

The days leading up to an adoption are not all fun and full of exciting anticipation. We are still so early in the process that some days it feels like it will be 10 years until our son is home in our arms. Other days are hard because of tangible reminders of our rough journey to parenthood before adoption. This coming week marks the probable due date of the baby(ies) we would have had were in not for the miscarriage. I try not to think about it very much and focus on the joy of our future, but yesterday I could not ignore the loss and emptiness that came to the surface with the realization of how close we could be to our heart's desire. In times like yesterday not much can be done except cry, and pray, and hold onto to each other.

I still can't say that I understand why we lost the child we prayed years for, but I don't ask God "why" anymore. I've accepted that a lot of bad things happen in our world that God doesn't cause, and sometimes they happen to me and others I love. I do have hope for our future as parents and as a family, and I hold onto that on days like this. So today I dream about my Ethiopian son that I will hold one day, and trust that Jesus is holding my first baby in heaven.