Honest Reflections on the Journey so far...



When you are a little kid making it to the double digit age of 10 is a BIG deal.  One to be celebrated.  When you are on a waiting list that was only supposed to be 8 months AT THE MOST...not so much.

Technically, we are at 10.5 months on the waiting list now.  A whole lot has happened in the past 10 months- here are some of the "bigger" things:

• Held 4 yard sales to raise funds for our adoption (in two states)
• Raised 2 litters of puppies (and found great homes for them)
• Had an epic raffle fundraiser
• Roadtripped to Colorado for a fabulous get-a-way and attained highly needed rest and relaxation
• Had two potential domestic adoptions fall through (Pretty sure we haven't mentioned these on the blog before.  Crazy stories that I don't think we're quite ready to go into detail about.  We didn't seek these out...)
• 3 of our sisters had beautiful babies
• Randee discovered new hobby of home projects- much to Trace's dismay :)
• 5 families with our agency received referrals in August!!!

I'm sure I am forgetting some other major milestones, but these alone were enough to occupy much of our time and emotions the past 10 months.  What can't be measured is what has happened in our hearts over this time. 



There were many victories to be celebrated, but there were also many moments of feeling forgotten and wondering if God really cared about turning our "family story" into one that includes children.  When the months kept going by without any movement in our agency we questioned if we were on another dead end road.  In those times, one of us would remind the other of something we knew in the {brighter} days past- that we BELIEVE a son that will come to our family from Ethiopia, that God planned this for our family.  We encouraged each other in our weak moments.  We still do, as we are not "there" yet. 



I discovered that trusting God had turned into a complex concept for me.  I found that it was easier to trust Him with certain parts of my life than others, but really it's not trust if I don't give Him all parts of my life, fully.  I'm learning about the expectations I have of God and that often when I get disappointed (perhaps heartbroken is a more accurate word at times) I had mistakenly attributed that hurt to Him.



At the beginning of our adoption journey someone told me that, "sometimes you have to let go of the dreams you have for the plan God has for you."  There is beauty and pain mixed in that statement and it rings true in my heart.  I always said that I wanted God's plan for my life rather that go my own way, but I guess I thought infertility was off the table.  Most days I am excited that we are on the road to God's plan for our family, but some days I still mourn the loss of my original dreams too.  I think that's OK unless I wallow in disappointment and hold onto it rather than give it to the Lord and ask Him to continue working to make something beautiful of my life.  *Just to be clear, I am WHOLEHEARTEDLY excited about adopting our son from Ethiopia, and do not feel this path is "second best", rather just different than how I originally pictured my family to grow.*  I will not pretend to understand "our road" but I know that our hearts are softer than they ever have been regarding those that do not have a family to call their own.  We are truly different people because the path our lives have taken, and I hope, are better for it.  While I am SO READY to see the face of our son and travel to bring him home, I want the time while I'm waiting to matter as well.